Hysterical Paroxysm

What? Oh, nothing. Just making a Hellraiser pumpkin. How’s...

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:20:38 -0400

What? Oh, nothing. Just making a Hellraiser pumpkin. How’s your work day going?

suicideblonde: Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen “Hello, Uncle...

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 22:46:48 -0400

suicideblonde:

Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen

“Hello, Uncle Jesse. Come and play with us. Come and play with us, Uncle Jesse. Forever… and ever… and ever.”

"Oh! Look at you in the mirror!! You minx. Trollop. Harlot. Professional sleeping-with-men-person!..."

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 23:24:11 -0400

“Oh! Look at you in the mirror!! You minx. Trollop. Harlot. Professional sleeping-with-men-person! Snipe! Bragiole thief! Pantsnake wrangler! Painted lady. Pocket pinball player! Five knuckle shuffler! Person who manipulates the penis of males until goo called seminal fluid (complete with sperm cells) shoots out of the front and onto yourself and then you’re all ‘Oh! Yes! Meow!’ etcetera!”

- Butler, via a note left on my mirror at work

Thanksgiving Turkey Pooping Stuffing | Royalty Free Stock Photo...

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 19:32:00 -0400

Thanksgiving Turkey Pooping Stuffing | Royalty Free Stock Photo Image | iStockphoto.com

And the iStock WTF of the Day Award goes to…

“Thanksgiving Turkey Pooping Stuffing”

(Kanye, please don’t ruin this for the turkey by insisting that Beyoncé pooping stuffing would have been a better picture. Although you might have a point there.)

Also, I like how the turkey can’t poop unless he is reading something. Just like me!

shoesonwrong: “Maybe one day your hair can be hydralicious,...

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 23:01:42 -0400

shoesonwrong:

“Maybe one day your hair can be hydralicious, prismatic, and 100% sulfate free!”

Sarah Haskins is a Goddess.

I once saw Sarah Haskins go into the same Silver Lake liquor store I was just coming out of. And that is how I knew we were meant to be.

I LOVE YOU, SARAH. CALL ME!

RIPT FUSION “RIPT FUSION is a body-sculpting undershirt...

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:42:02 -0400

RIPT FUSION

“RIPT FUSION is a body-sculpting undershirt designed to support your core, shave inches off your belly and enhance your posture. Immediately, you will look and feel better in your clothes with a heightened sense of core consciousness.”

Oh, I get it.

It’s like Spanx for men who are trying to pretend they don’t have body shame.

Do you at least sympathize with the guy who’s only at your...

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 13:44:37 -0400

Do you at least sympathize with the guy who’s only at your show because his girlfriend has dragged him there?
No. I just think, “I’m gonna get you laid tonight, buddy. You’ve gotta thank me.”

[via 15 Quick Questions for Tori Amos | Spin Magazine Online]

LATFHP: Look at These Fucking Harem Pants. [via my...

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 10:59:55 -0400

LATFHP: Look at These Fucking Harem Pants.
[via my Flickr]

Spotted on L train platform on my way to work this morning.

(Also, plus gladiator sandals? Really? You’re mixing metaphors here. Are you heading off to tell stories to King Shahryar or are you getting ready to slay a tiger in the Colosseum?)

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.

Harem pants. What you’re aiming for: runway fashion model. What you’ll settle for: I Dream of Jeannie. What you really look like: MC Hammer.

I almost asked her to do The Running Man for me.

At the behest of like, all my friends, I have fiiiiinally...

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 02:09:00 -0400

At the behest of like, all my friends, I have fiiiiinally started renting “Freaks and Geeks.” I have to say, I am really enjoying it thus far.

(There. Are you happy, friends? You may all say “I told you so” in unison now.)

I don’t know why I was so resistant to watching it for so long, other than maybe seeing “Undeclared” first kind of underwhelmed me? Also, I hear Judd Apatow, and I think bros, and high school has already been perfectly crystallized on film for me by my girl, Angela Chase. Then again, the Linda Cardellini character in “Freaks and Geeks” is pretty sassy, and what has Claire Danes done for me lately? Terminator 3? (I like to pretend she died right after she filmed MSCL otherwise thinking of all that unfulfilled promise really bums me out.)

And this cast of bros? They’re all still entertaining me now. I would like Jason Segel on a cracker. I will probably even watch his Muppet movie. Seth Rogan is…my spirit animal. I was happy to see Martin Starr, who plays the oddball Bill, turn up in the new show “Party Down.” And, James Franco. Ahh, James Franco.

I saw the Spiderman films and did not think much of him. He wasn’t exactly boyishly cute, not quite manly handsome. Kind of mediocre all around. His performance in Pineapple Express was the first time where I thought, “NOW I GET IT.” James Franco’s true potential can only be unlocked when he is playing burnouts. See above “Freaks and Geeks” clip where he perfectly captures (as Jared Leto/Jordan Catalano did before) the way a smooth stoner can so casually steal your heart with a few kind words.

Turns out I like my fictional Franco like I like my hair dryer setting: hot and high.

thesarahhatter (4:43:32 PM): Delivery: ...

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 16:55:49 -0400

thesarahhatter (4:43:32 PM): Delivery: $24,500.00

Shipping Included
thesarahhatter (4:43:37 PM): shipping included!!!!!!
bpmowrey (4:48:11 PM): “On May 16, 2009, Ryan Cabrera performed at Pennsbury High School’s senior prom in Fairless Hills, Pennsylvania.”
bpmowrey (4:48:20 PM): that. was my high school.
thesarahhatter (4:48:26 PM): ahhhhhh ha ha ha ha
thesarahhatter (4:48:37 PM): This product is covered by the Sam’s Club Member Satisfaction Guarantee.
bpmowrey (4:48:43 PM): which pretty handily explains why i hated high school.
thesarahhatter (4:48:59 PM): The culmination of his performing career occurred in 2005
thesarahhatter (4:49:08 PM): it’s good that he’s admitted the downhill slope
thesarahhatter (4:49:13 PM): I love honesty.
bpmowrey (4:49:47 PM): “Dave Matthews gave Cabrera the inspiration to pick up an acoustic guitar, but it was Steve Jones that taught Cabrera almost everything he knows about guitar at Dallas Melody.”

sh:

Add to the mother fucking cart, bitches!

Trunkettes Oh, I get it. It’s like boardshorts for women...

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 16:34:45 -0400

Trunkettes

Oh, I get it.

It’s like boardshorts for women who are trying to pretend they don’t have body shame.

In the scale of embarrassing place names, Crapstone ranks pretty...

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 11:16:00 -0500

In the scale of embarrassing place names, Crapstone ranks pretty high. But Britain is full of them. Some are mostly amusing, like Ugley, Essex; East Breast, in western Scotland; North Piddle, in Worcestershire; and Spanker Lane, in Derbyshire.

Others evoke images that may conflict with residents’ efforts to appear dignified when, for example, applying for jobs.

These include Crotch Crescent, Oxford; Titty Ho, Northamptonshire; Wetwang, East Yorkshire; Slutshole Lane, Norfolk; and Thong, Kent. And, in a country that delights in lavatory humor, particularly if the word “bottom” is involved, there is Pratts Bottom, in Kent, doubly cursed because “prat” is slang for buffoon.

As for Penistone, a thriving South Yorkshire town, just stop that sophomoric snickering. “It’s pronounced ‘PENNIS-tun,’ ” Fiona Moran, manager of the Old Vicarage Hotel in Penistone, said over the telephone, rather sharply. When forced to spell her address for outsiders, she uses misdirection, separating the tricky section into two blameless parts: “p-e-n” — pause — “i-s-t-o-n-e.”

[via Anita, via No Snickering - That Road Sign Means Something Else - NYTimes.com]

Pants Optional - A Relatively Civilized Fashion Primer for the...

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 16:48:00 -0500

Pants Optional - A Relatively Civilized Fashion Primer for the Well-Clad

[via Neatorama]

I adore this “fashion primer.” It really reminds me a lot of the awesome Monty Python and the Holy Grail linking animations.

This Week In Tabloids: Thin Jen Writes Poetry For John;...

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 19:05:20 -0500

This Week In Tabloids: Thin Jen Writes Poetry For John; SJP’s Moving Out

Jen’s “Easy Diet and Workout Secrets”

Don’t eat. Also: Run every morning at 6 a.m. and do yoga every other day.

Look at her face, y’all! It’s JUST THAT EASY!

Fig. 1 Starlet suffering from “exhaustion” Fig....

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 18:19:55 -0500

Fig. 1
Starlet suffering from “exhaustion”

Fig. 2
Cat “suffering” from catnip

The Backstory:
ben(5:49:33 PM): awesome
me (5:49:37 PM): thanks!
ben (5:49:40 PM): very appropriate images
me (5:49:46 PM): i was looking through my Flickr favorites last night
me (5:49:53 PM): and saw Orange passed out
ben (5:49:58 PM): haha
me (5:49:59 PM): and it reminded me
ben (5:49:59 PM): yeah
ben (5:50:00 PM): poor orange
me (5:50:34 PM): orange isn’t your cat, is it?
ben (5:50:37 PM): no
ben (5:50:43 PM): he was a homeless kitty who lived in the backyard of my old house
ben (5:50:47 PM): and he’d come in now and then
me (5:50:48 PM): awwwww
me (5:51:08 PM): he had a nip problem?
me (5:51:13 PM): that’s why he was homeless?
me (5:51:21 PM): because the nip ruined his life?
ben (5:51:35 PM): totally hooked on the junk, yeah
me (5:52:04 PM): well maybe he should just become a lesbian
me (5:52:13 PM): that’s a career saver.
ben (5:52:48 PM): i’ll take your word for it.
me (5:53:26 PM): or lindsay lohan’s word for it.

10 Crazy Old Christmas Ads - Oddee.com (vintage christmas...

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 10:48:47 -0500

10 Crazy Old Christmas Ads - Oddee.com (vintage christmas ads)

Ho, ho, holy HELL. Going only on that photo, I’m surprised the copy doesn’t tell you to get blind on eggnog, put on “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” and take your shiny new Colt under the mistletoe for a special kiss!

“The WHOPPER® sandwich is America’s Favorite burger....

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 16:39:00 -0500

“The WHOPPER® sandwich is America’s Favorite burger. Flame™ by BK® captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat.”

I kinda thought this was a joke, until one of my co-workers got it as a gift at our digital department office holiday party. Flame is real. And the name is very evocative of the nostril burning that happens after you spray it.

Apparently, the “scent of seduction” has heavy top notes of Axe Body Spray and heart notes of cigarette smoke, with lingering base notes of musk and shame.

“Hearts on Fire” - Cut Copy “Whenever I play...

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 16:20:00 -0500

“Hearts on Fire” - Cut Copy

“Whenever I play this, I feel like saying, ‘Now is the time on Sprockets vhen ve dance!’”
- Buzz

Isn’t She Deneuvely?: Entertainment & Culture:...

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 13:22:06 -0500

Isn’t She Deneuvely?: Entertainment & Culture: vanityfair.com

Ummmmm. Yes. Yes I will draw you like one of my French girls.

robhuebel: In this new web series, ‘Smart Girls’ Amy Poehler...

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 22:53:58 -0500

robhuebel:

In this new web series, ‘Smart Girls’ Amy Poehler interviews Ruby Karp who starred in the very first ‘Shutterbugs’ on Human Giant. In that episode we told her to ‘please get the fuck out of Shutterbugs’.

I think the spirit behind ‘Smart Girls’ is firmly in the right place, and I’m glad it exists. Also, this Ruby is preciously precocious!

THAT SAID, I can’t be the only one who thinks having Barbie sponsor the feminist-friendly web series aimed at little girls, hosted by Amy Poehler, is a bit like having Volkswagen sponsor a web series celebrating Judaism, hosted by Woody Allen.